Lucidity
by mjoelk
Summary: "Do you remember how we first met, Ludwig? What if it was altered from what actually happened? What if we introduced ourselves properly rather than small talk between us, like before? How would you feel? It would've been different, indeed."


_All right, another one shot, short story for you guys. I was going to upload this on Valentine's Day (yes, we do recognise it here, but it's usually observed/don't celebrate it, so we don't really care…), but I didn't have time. And I'm really lazy. Motivation has been running me dry lately..._

_Now the title's meaning, "Lucidity", is synonymous to the word "translucent". It means semi-transparent, which is what this story is all about. I was going for "Differentiate" but I quickly dropped the idea because a) it's an actual term you use in Calculus, fancy way of saying find the derivative of an equation and b) why would I name a softcore yaoi short story with a math term? What kind of an author would actually do that?_

_Okay, now about the summary, Feli's the one talking...more like asking Ludwig about how they met. It's as straightforward as I could get. _

_And if you have no idea what this story is about, it's best to read "Obscurity" first because this is just an AU/spin-off/special of another AU story. Besides, I need a break from the anguish from "Equivocality"...no wonder I've been down as hell. I've written just three chapters since I published the first chapter, but each one just seems really dismal. _

_I don't care if you don't review. I might consider deleting this anyway, if it gets none._

_EDIT: You know what, I'm not going to take it down. I'm actually happy that I'd get reviews for this...even if it only has 2 reviews._

* * *

_I don't know..._

_Gilbert told me to have fun before he ran off to his friends._

_He said I could do whatever I please; even I'm allowed to ask a woman for a dance._

_But he didn't explain how to do those things._

_I understand that I'm not compatible around women._

_True, I can name at least five reasons why...And it being a childhood phobia is among those motives._

_So now I'm left standing here..._

* * *

Ludwig remained where he was, motionless against the current of people who were coming inside. They didn't glance at the young man as they passed by, whether to dance or eat first. He felt transparent..._invisible_.

His thoughts disputed whether he should tell his brother that he wanted to head back home (and leave his friends, all of whom he had never met in person, to decide if he would go with them afterwards) or stay for the night. But what would he do to amuse himself the entire night? Asking women for a dance is already out of the question, but he couldn't just sit at a nearby table in the dining hall and watch his brother in envy, while he was having fun around his friends. And it's too early to go to sleep yet; in fact, he slept through the entire ride, which lasted most of the morning and all afternoon. Because of this, his body and mind were completely awake and has been since.

_What should I do?_ He thought. He felt as if he heard a small voice in his head whining, but he shook it off. _I can't just stand here..._

At that moment, he felt something lightly patting his shoulder. At first he thought it was just another person walking by, but the patting didn't stop. Nearly close to irritation, he turned around.

_Stop it, you little-!_ His head yelled. Then he stopped himself and blinked in surprise.

_What? How did you-?_

* * *

It was a young woman, no less than two or three years his junior. Unlike the women he had seen so far that night, she stood out from among them. Her auburn hair piled up into a rather simple style, green-brown eyes that sparkled, her unusual height (she was just as tall as he was), and her complexion a little less pale than most women.

He knew she wasn't from around here.

However, at that moment, he underestimated her.

"Why are you standing here?" She asked in German.

He blinked in astonishment once more, stunned at what he had just heard.

_Although she may not be from here, she can speak fluently...as if it was natural for her. How can she tell that I speak German?_

"Let's go," she continued, dragging him against the current as they headed to the room at their left. "We'll introduce ourselves while we dance, alright? And I hope you know how to dance to a waltz..."

* * *

Despite his fear, the young woman was correct at this assumption. Besides learning the etiquette of a gentleman throughout his childhood, Frau Beilschmidt taught her younger child how to dance to a waltz, from asking a woman for a dance to the postures. Like him, Gilbert knew how the waltz is done, but his limitation was the actions; he lost his footing once while learning the dance and nearly broke his arm as a result, which prompted Herr Beilschmidt to tell their mother that Gilbert was incompetent to act like a gentleman.

"He wasn't born to act like the Edelstein's child, you know that," Herr Beilschmidt said to his wife one afternoon. It was after Gilbert finished his "dancing" lessons. "They can boast about how their son can dance to either part flawlessly, but I won't let Gilbert be his facsimile. I'd say the same for Ludwig as well. Our lads are meant to _fight_ in a battlefield, not dance in a ballroom."

However, Ludwig had a different reason why.

Since dancing to such genre involves two people dancing closely to one another, both must be willing to place their hands on each other's body. The man must be prepared to place his left hand on a woman's waist and his right hand holding her left hand; the woman should place her right hand the man's left shoulder and hold his right hand. The dance always begins on the man, in which he will take the first step, while the woman would follow him.

And although his mother taught him on leading the dance, Ludwig was concerned more about the "touching" part. When he tried dancing with his mother, he couldn't help but flush in red, whenever he would have to hold his mother's waist with one hand. It felt uncomfortable for him; he was afraid that _he_ was the one making his mother uneasy. If he decides to let go of his grip, his mother would always catch his wandering hand and set it back around her waist. Then she would tell him to keep his hand in place while he dances.

"You're the leader of the dance," Frau Beilschmidt would always say. "You have to escort your partner into your steps. She will follow you…"

* * *

Too stupefied to speak, the young man nodded. He looked down at the young woman in front of him. She didn't look back to see if he was close behind her.

But once they're inside the grand ballroom (often referred to as the main parlour), Ludwig noticed how noisy it was when the chatter and the small orchestra, who are about to play another waltz, are mingled together.

_How are we going to introduce ourselves if this place is too deafening?_ He questioned. _I won't even hear myself talk…_

As if she had read his thoughts, she replied, "It'll be alright. I don't think anyone will hear us; the people are just talking to those who are listening to them."

"Are you certain about that?" He wondered, looking around as they stood near the circle of dancers. Then he glanced at her.

"Trust me," she assured him. "Once we begin dancing, you'll be amazed at how close we'll sound to one another. You won't realise there are people around us, too." Then before he could say anything, she smiled.

It was somewhat childish that Ludwig nearly laughed at the thought, yet it hinted the fact that she is a grown-up young woman. But deep down, she means what she said. This gladdened him a little.

"Have you ever danced before?" Ludwig asked the young woman, who nodded. Remembering the dancing lessons he had from his mother, he offered a hand to her. "May I partake this dance?" he requested, sounding as proper as he could.

"Of course," she answered, gladly accepting it before placing her other hand on his shoulder. "But in a formal gathering like this, I've never danced in one." Then she let out a short gasp when she felt his hand on her waist, startled by how large they were and feared that they could break her bones without any effort. But instead of a firm grasp, she felt a faint, ticklish feeling instead. She only realised that he was being careful towards her.

As they took their places, Ludwig felt his mind drifting off a little, thinking about this unfamiliar young woman. He already knew much of her features. Though he already knew about her height, he was astounded by how tall she actually was compared to him. _She was shorter than me by only half a head_, he thought in disbelief. _It's accurate to see girls to be smaller than me, typically by a head. But her, she seems unique. If she were a man, she would be sent to the military. I guess there's no need to stoop down at her, after all. _Then with his other hand, he held hers, while he felt her other hand on his shoulders. _And her hands, they're rather petite and elegant I can't even feel it on my shoulder and my hand. It's like I'm holding something so fragile I can't endure breaking it._

"Shall we begin?" he finally asked.

She nodded and, with one gentle swerve, both of them joined in the circle of dancing couples.

* * *

When one dances around for a certain amount of time, their eyes spin out; their head swerving to one side, and their body nearly close to nausea. But when one suffers with queasiness within less than five minutes of dancing around, it was likely because of a lack of experience.

Ludwig hasn't danced ever since his mother finally finished his lessons. In fact, he hasn't done so with anybody else, besides his mother.

Although he retained everything he had learnt, it wasn't just his naïveté that made him nauseous. It was because his anxiety intervened him from enjoying himself, even if the person whom he was dancing with appeared as if she knows him. In truth, Ludwig had never met this young lady before nor had any previous conversations with her.

_So why does she know me so well, while I don't recognise her at all? _He wondered. Then without warning, his vision blurred and felt his head spinning off.

At that moment, the young woman already knew something was wrong with him.

"Are you alright?" He heard her asking him as they slowed down and moved away from the crowd. "I don't think we should dance anymore." He watched her giving him a look of worry before his eyes finally gave in and closed shut. Not long after, his body had blacked out.

* * *

He heard his name being called out from a distance, followed by a light shake on his shoulders. His eyes slowly opened and sat up, realising he was lying down the whole time.

"Where am I?" He wondered aloud. "What happened to me? And why is it so dark here?" Then he found the young woman sitting beside him, her face nervous. The only light seemed to come from the moonlight outside, shining through the window behind her, which gave off her silhouette.

"We're in the guest room, one of them actually," she explained. "I had to ask the host for permission before coming here. You passed out while we were dancing in the other room. I don't know why, but it was too sudden. There was nothing wrong with you from what I know." She shrugged and smiled. "At least you're all right."

"How come there aren't any lights on?"

"I was afraid that you'd wake up, if I do."

"I don't know how I would thank you," he replied, looking away as she glanced at him. "I would've created a bedlam if we didn't stop..." Then he felt her hand on his. Inside him, his nerves shot upward; outside, he was just calm and amazed, his cheeks turning red.

The young woman shook her head. "You don't need to thank me," she replied, patting his hand. "I just don't want to leave you in a difficult position out there." Without a word, she lifted her hand from his.

Ludwig suddenly recalled about their little conversation earlier; _I almost forgot_ he thought. _Because I nearly humiliated myself in front her. Hopefully this is the time._ "We never had a chance to introduce ourselves," he realised. "I'm Ludwig. And you are...?"

The young woman didn't answer for a moment. She looked away from him. "Feli," she responded, facing him once more. "But you can call me Felicia, if you wish."

Afterwards, they talked about themselves. Felicia talked about how she had managed to learn German, while Ludwig spoke of his brother and the differences he had from him. Then they switched to Ludwig describing his childhood, including his dancing lessons from his mother; Felicia replied by saying he danced quite well, few years after his parents were already gone. Felicia talked about her family as well, in which she had an older brother whom she hasn't seen in years. She added that since she was a child, she had never met him in person, so she had little idea of what he looks like. Ludwig guessed that he might have some resemblance to Gilbert. In response, the young woman chuckled a little. Both of them listened to each other's stories, though Felicia hasn't said much about herself. Not because she was shy, she was afraid that Ludwig would look at her differently. However, for Ludwig, he felt a little more open than before. He had never told anyone much about himself, besides the stranger sitting beside him, because he feared that he'd be nervous by telling someone else of how he truly feels on a certain topic. And he certainly won't tell Gilbert about his opinion; he already dealt with an incident in his childhood, in which Gilbert had told his friends about his brother's fear of women. Since then, he learned not to tell anything private to Gilbert, especially if he isn't clearheaded and around his friends.

Without even knowing it, the two outsiders now became friends, turning their relationship into a friendly one. However, this was about to change.

* * *

The night was late, but the soirée endured well past midnight. As for the young twosome, sitting beside each other at the edge of the bed in the dark guest room, it was already a moment they weren't anticipating. More than hour passed since they introduced themselves to each other. With nothing else to say, both didn't speak for a long time. It wasn't long before this inept silence was finally broken.

"I know we've only met for a short time," Felicia began. She looked outside the window. "But you may be the only gentleman I've ever met who have been this thoughtful to me."

Blinking in shock, Ludwig felt his heartbeat speeding up, his breathing shortened, and his body suddenly getting warm. _What is this feeling?_ He wondered to himself. _It feels faint, but it's growing..._

"It may seem crazy for a stranger to say this," she continued, "but I truly do like you. Although we danced for a short time, I've enjoyed it enough for me to never forget that memory. However, after we said things to each other, I'm starting to admire you even more." Then she sighed quietly, slouching her shoulders. "Oh, why am I telling you this?" she asked herself, exasperated. "It wasn't how I thought to say it, but what I'm trying to tell you is that-"

Without warning, everything blurred around her. Followed by a pair of hands grabbing her shoulders, turning her to face the young man. For a moment, she saw him leaning towards her. And before she could say a word...

She felt his lips on hers.

It was as if time had stopped just for a moment.

* * *

He couldn't take it anymore. The sensation inside him was too great for him to handle.

_Why is she telling me all this?_ He thought. _We've only just met for a small time. And besides that..._

_I don't know her. She's just a mere stranger._

_Yet she knows me..._

_What is going on?_

Then his thoughts asked him one question he had been thinking about the entire night.

_You love her, do you?_

_You have affection for this young woman..._

_I understand that she's a stranger to you, but deep down there's something about her that any other woman couldn't have..._

_The childish look in her eyes, her eloquence in your mother tongue, her laughter, her seemingly weak presence, and most of all, she declared her feelings to you and never felt any qualms._

Once he heard her confessing to him, his question was resolved.

_Yes...it's true._

_I do love her._

_And she doesn't need to complete her sentence to say it._

Then without thinking, he took her shoulders, forced her to look at him, leaned towards her and closed his eyes until he felt her lips touched his.

* * *

Once she understood why, she closed her eyes and deepened their kiss. She felt her hands reaching for his, gently lifted them from her shoulders, and held them tight.

_I wasn't thinking about this at all_ she thought to herself. Then she felt tears flowing from her eyes; why is she crying, she didn't know. _I was only trying to say the words without sounding foolish and everything quickly turned into a haze._

_And now it has led to this moment._

* * *

Upon realising what he had just done, Ludwig opened his eyes and released her, ending their kiss.

Both of them turned away from another for a long time. Their cheeks were already red from the rather abrupt moment they had just faced. Neither one spoke to one another or even risked speaking up.

Too afraid to talk to Ludwig, Felicia quietly wiped her tears away. She wondered why she was crying while she and Ludwig kissed.

_Was it because he established my feelings for him? _She thought._ It seems probable, but it was all too quick. I suppose Ludwig understood what I was trying to tell him..._

_Or rather, there was no need for me to finish._

Meanwhile, as he sat there, Ludwig couldn't help but dread about what occurred between them, as his mind was vague and too faint to recall.

_How can I not recall what I did? _He asked himself._ Why did I kiss her all of a sudden? I could've simply told her that I adore her, too, and leave it at that. _

_But instead, I kissed her._

_I could've offended her. I already told myself that she wasn't as resilient as I am, being a lady herself. If I lost myself into grabbing her like that again, I'd hate myself for hurting someone like her._

_Regardless of their age, I'd never hurt a woman._

_Felicia, I'm sorry, but I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just that...I wanted to say the same thing._

_That I love you, too._

But his only problem wasn't only the fact that he had nearly hurt Felicia. He had another dilemma about to occur.

Without warning, his eyes closed once more and he fell to one side.

It was the second time his body gave way to sleep.

* * *

While the young slept, the young woman carefully carried him over her shoulders, flipped open the covers, and slowly laid him back down. Then she took out a small folded note and slipped inside his trousers before throwing the covers over him. She hoped he would find it soon. And finally she took one last look at him before leaning down to give him a small kiss.

Without a word, she slipped out of the room.

* * *

When Ludwig finally woke up, it was as if something hard hit his head, knocking him out. His vision blurred and slowly adjusted into the morning light. He sat up and realised that he was fully dressed. His clothes were wrinkled and looked crumpled. But he shook off the latter; he would have to do something about it anyway when he returns home.

As for Gilbert…

_Perhaps he and the master are searching around the house for me _he thought. _I wonder if he actually saw me when I passed out back in the ballroom…_

Just as he was about to slide off the bed, he heard something crinkling. He searched inside his clothing for anything, until he found a small piece of paper. Unfolding it, he read its contents.

_I knew you would read_ _this_,it said in German. _You might wonder where I am, but unfortunately, I can't answer that, fearing that someone else would find this and read it. It would most likely be your brother._

_It was a pleasure meeting you last night. I know we had met for quite a short time, but I would never forget those moments we spent together. Hopefully you don't as well._

_But I have something else I should tell you._

The next section was nearly crossed out. But despite it's near illegibility, Ludwig continued on.

_That young woman you met the previous night wasn't a woman at all. She was a young man hiding underneath that disguise. She wanted to find out if you were the one she was looking for, since you seemed familiar to her…_

_But she never knew that the time you spent with her would be this…intimate, I suppose. She does love you, however; she just can't find the right words to express it._

_So that young man, concealed inside that dress, was the very person you've met._

_I was Felicia._

_My real name is Feliciano._

_I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this, but I hope you'd accept it for now. One day, I'll tell you everything. For now, my real identity is kept between you and me._

_While you keep my secret identity, I'll keep everything that happened last night._

_Now I have faith that you will hide all this from anyone. Both of us knew our meeting wasn't intended to occur, but fate intervened. There's no other way to reverse it; it's all in the past now._

_If we were to meet again, none of us would hold back. _

* * *

He stared at the last sentence and closed his eyes, smiling a little.

_I'll wait for you, then..._

* * *

_Now that I've read all this, it turns out this is a horrible idea. This whole story is so fucking tacky, but at least it's different from how I've been writing, which is usually disheartening and angry (how I feel whenever I write something). Everything is fucked up and negative, all set in late 19th century._

_Now for "Equivocality", I've decided to delay that for a little bit because I'm in a writer's block and I just need to stop writing for a little. I mean, I'm already writing the ending for the story, but ended up hating it._

_Well, as usual, I should go to sleep. It's already daytime here and I've been awake since midnight._ _I'm already on the verge of hyper insomnia._

_EDIT #2: I've decided to remove the long-ass paragraph, in which I've stated the differences between this story and "Obscurity". I think I just ended up spoiling the entire thing to those who haven't read it...I'm an idiot, aren't I?_

* * *

_Replies (because why not, right? I'm bored anyway.):_

_WGDWriter: Thanks, but I guess it's something to get my mind off things. And about what I've said in the beginning, it's true. I've really horribly depressed about stuff, but it's not to the point that I'm having depression as a psychological disorder or whatever. It's probably just the stress and midterms..._

_Ah, I was going to plan on writing/continuing with this arc...once "Equivocality" is finished (maybe before I start school again next autumn, at the latest). But I can't guarantee on that because well, I'm not a fan of cheesy romance. I don't like it, but at least there's no "you-know-what" scenes...unlike how I would end "Equivocality", which will have the said scene...in similar detail as "Obscurity". So like this, "tongues twisting against each other...moaned between kisses...grazing along the smooth skin"...yup, lots of kissing, touching, moaning/sighing, grunting. I think I just found a base on how I'd write lemons from now on. Goddammit. But I can't write smut. My writing's sucky enough to write lemons, man..._

_alles: Yep, so far I've written three chapters from "Equivocality". First chapter: Ludwig hates Feli to the point of abusing him...in their reunion; second chapter: Ludwig's down and depressed, and realises what a complete jerk he was; third chapter: Feli and Elisabeta asking whether the person Feli met was Ludwig, Elisabeta warning Feli about Ludwig to stay away from him for a while, and her going over to her former friend Gilbert's house to give Ludwig what-for...a__ll of them are the reasons I've been horribly down..._

_Well, Ludwig's that really awkward kid who would screw up in front of someone he's really uncomfortable with. But I'd he's such a drama king gdi...that's why when I wrote this story I know it'll turn out sour. Guy's got no guts to even dance with a girl because he's afraid that he'd hurt/scare them. (It's like Holy Rome being really embarrassing to Italy pretty much. The moment Ludwig turns around and sees Feli, you know he's having a crush on him. He just doesn't know until Feli finally says that he likes him.) _

_No, I won't abandon "Equivocality" yet. I'm just out of ideas on what to write for chapter 4. So Elisabeta visits the Beilschmidts', asks Gilbert if she could talk to Ludwig alone, and then...that's it. I can't even think of a way to start the chapter, too. Which is downright annoying..._


End file.
